Saturday, October 30, 2010

Rejected Halloween Costume Ideas

1. Abusive boyfriend -
  • Carry around a restraining order. When people try to talk to you, ask for their name and then check to make sure they're not on your list.
  • You can cycle through the various stages of abusive behavior throughout the night. Carry a bouquet of flowers and go into the "Honeymoon" stage: make promises about changing, going into therapy, never hitting the person you're talking to again, etc.
  • When people come up and ask you what you're supposed to be dressed as, insult them! Ask them where they've been & whom they've been talking to, demand to look through their cell phone. Also, try to destroy their self-esteem.
  • Get someone to go as your abused victim. They can have a black eye and tell everyone how their abuser is going to change and how clumsy they are for falling down the stairs, again!
  • Carry around one of those "Cycles of Violence" info sheets. Tell people how your court ordered anger management therapist made you take one of these. Then angrily declare, "But I think it's bullshit!" and crumple up the paper.
Downfall: my girlfriend was not interested in being a part of this costume. We also both thought that people would find it offensive and insensitive. I thought it could be a great public awareness campaign! Also, this is a truly terrifying and disturbing costume. And that's the point right? Going as "Sexy Abusive Boyfriend" - now that would be truly offensive.

2. Boring couple that decided to stay home -
  • Wear pajamas, act tired & annoyingly couple-y.
Downfall: couldn't find a way to attach a couch to my ass. Also, none of my couple friends will be out and about to be insulted by this one.
(Although I must say, this could also be an awareness raising costume. Boy, I'm a social worker even on Halloween!)

3. Slutty Therapist -
  • This one was fun to joke about with my friends when I was debating whether or not to dress up at my job as an actual therapist on Halloween. (I work at a Youth Community Center and I'll probably be the only one who's not dressed up.)
  • Someone suggested that I wear only a long cardigan.
  • Keep many tissues in brassiere.
  • Uncross and re-cross legs many times.
  • Make many suspicious-sounding interpretations about sexual repression and Oedipal complexes.
Downfall: not appropriate for my job as an actual therapist! But it is such a good play on the theme of women dressing up as Sexy Anything on Halloween.

4. Glinda the Good Witch of the North -
  • Who everyone would actually like their therapist to be, right?
Downfall: Costume was too complicated. (Although I was very impressed by this costume study.)

So what did I end up with?

Well, I helped my girlfriend come up with a last minute costume of being a bunny rabbit last weekend.
Ingredients: Bunny ears, cotton ball safety-pinned to jeans, black eyeliner used to color nose and draw whiskers.
Results: Everyone knew what she was supposed to be and she looked adorable.

I however, put on everything I own that has a Hound's Tooth pattern on it, and people thought I was supposed to be an Industrial Age Era paper boy. Great.
(Although that doesn't dampen my spirits about hound's tooth being in this fall. I'd just like to publicly announce that I liked it before it was cool.)

Anyways, using the bunny costume as a jumping off point, she is now going as Bunnicula, the Vampire Rabbit, and I'm going as Edgar Allan Crow, a character Bunnicula meets in one of his books.
Very easy to make. Already had some of the stuff (like a lot of black clothes and fabric glue), just bought a bunch of black feathers, a beak, and some face paint.

Crowning jewel: We're going to get a parsnip to look like a drained carrot, put some orange colored fang marks on it, and have orange dribbling from the corner of Bunnicula's mouth.

Happy Haunting!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Re: Misprint Magazine article "Unfondly Remembered Clubs of Yore"

Wow. It's been exactly one year since I posted a blog. And it was really just a coincidence that I decided to post something today.
I must have some kind of crazy accurate internal alarm clock, because last time I went to see my doctor, they told me it had been exactly one month to the day since my last visit.
Anyways, I wrote a little letter to the editor of Misprint magazine, which is an Austin zine that I just discovered earlier this week thanks to Nomad Bar and my friend Daniella.
And since I hardly ever write things these days, and there's no telling if they'll print it in their next issue, I thought I'd go ahead and use it as something to blog.
So here ya go...

Dear Misprint Magazine,

I would like to put in my two cents about a bar from back in the day (aka mid-90s) that definitely fits into the criteria of your article from October 2009 entitled "Unfondly Remembered Clubs of Yore."

This club would be the Bates Motel, which, if memory serves, was on 6th Street pretty close to the Black Cat.
Not only did they allow my underage self to get frequently trashed on PBR, I also witnessed one of the biggest bar brawls I've ever seen there. It involved REO Speedealer and some drunk cowboy-attired couples. It seems that one of the cowboy girlfriends was offended by Speedealer's cover of a Hank Williams Jr. song and started yelling, "Bocephus would be turning in his grave." Next thing I know they're all fighting on the stage (convenient!) and throwing mic stands around. Truly an adrenaline spiking-spectacle.

I also saw lots of punk bands there like the Motards and some crust-core bands like His Hero is Gone. One time I went in there and the whole floor was mushy. I'm not sure if the place flooded or if it was all the spilled beer and punk rock fluids, but it was a truly wonderful and disgusting venue. R.I.P. Bates Motel!

P.S. I think the old sign for Bates is up on the wall at Beerland, in case you want to pay your respects.

P.P.S. Here is a grainy video of people destroying The Bates Motel in 1999 that my friend Brandi posted on You Tube:
Bates Motel
Seems that the Kiss Offs were playing that night, and somebody brought an ax to the show! (And I don't mean a guitar!)

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Rating the Universe

Ever since I started reviewing things on Yelp, I suddenly want to rate everything.
But there's not a venue that I know of for reviews of everything in the world.
Perhaps that's why blogging was invented.
Also, when a company makes a product that I really like, I often feel anxious that they're going to stop manufacturing it, and feel the urge to send them a letter telling them to keep up the good work. Or to not change their product in any way.
For example, regular old Oil of Olay moisturizer. I've been using it for years but live in fear that they're going to change it to make it "new and improved," and will actually fuck it up.
It takes a lot to inspire brand loyalty in me, and branding and product placement are actually two huge pet peeves of mine, but when I fall, I fall hard.
My friends can attest to the fact that I'll often order things in bulk if I like them.
For instance, Nanak's Lip Smoothee chapstick, almond flavor: I order it in bulk off the internet!
Same with Nemat Amber oil.
Also, if I find an item of clothing that I really love, I sometimes buy multiples. Maybe in different colors, but not necessarily.

But getting back to my urge to rate everything. I would really like to give the manufacturers of automatic flushing toilets for public restrooms some notes on design and function. Sometimes they flush right after I painstaking put the little paper seat cover on the seat. This has caused a great deal of complicated and embarrassing methodology on my part in order to avoid my little seat cover getting sucked down the toilet while I'm unbuttoning my pants. And the greater my need to use the bathroom, the more distressing this becomes. I think that Mr. Bean could make a pretty funny sketch about this phenomenon.
Geez, I have so many good ideas for so many different industry leaders. Is there a directory somewhere? I should become a consultant for general life improvement...

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Less than Resolute

I'm thinking that maybe I'm going to try to start writing this blog again.
(Wow, that was a lot of qualifiers for one little sentence.)
Right now I'm supposed to be getting ready to leave the house, but so far all I've done is get on tangent after tangent, leading inevitably to the resurrection of the blog on which I haven't posted in well over a year.

Ah, procrastination, my old friend...

Anyways, this is just to say that you should look here for more in the near future.

In the meantime, you can find out what I've been up to lately by looking in these places:

Yelping...a recent addiction...

My exciting new place of employemt! (The music on the main page is annoying...sorry about that. But you can read my bio if you look at the staff page...)

More to come soon!

Thursday, March 8, 2007

Business Casual with Problems, Part 2

Thursday March 8th 2007

Today I saw a man at the 96th St. Subway stop who really blew away my puking man story (see below).

So I'm waiting there, at my least favorite stop in all of NYC with heavy groceries and several hundred other people during rush hour. The local train is way late, and the express trains just keep dumping off loads more people.

And just for good measure, it's freakin' freezing.

I'm looking around and notice a white male, probably in his sixties, in a brightly colored fancy lookin' Gore-Tex parka.
The first thing I notice is that he's practicing basketball hoop shooting moves in a very uninhibited and focused way. He's got head phones on, and I imagine him listening to some basketball playing instructional tape (if there is such a thing, probably not).
Not unlike puking man, he looks very upstanding. Rolex watch, fancy bag, fancy shoes, well-groomed, expensive sunglasses.

I take a second look a moment later and notice that he's actually sweating - very unusual since it's 20 degrees. So I get to staring (I notice that a few other people are staring too), and I realize that he's so hot and sweaty that there is actually steam coming off of his head! I shit you not!

All the while, he's continuing to intently practice his hoop moves and bounce around a little.
It's at this moment that I realize this man is probably having a severely manic episode.
Then he starts energetically running his fingers all over the pole in the station. Now that I'm looking closely, it's clear that the man can barely contain his energy. I've heard that being manic is one of the best feelings, and I believe it! Although it can become very agitating after awhile too.

Anyways, just to put the icing on the cake, he takes out a harmonica and starts playing Strawberry Fields! He plays a few notes, then sings the verses, "Let me take you down, 'cause I'm going to Strawberry Fields, nothing is real..." etc.

Wow. True story. Sweating so much that he's steaming in the middle of winter. That is something else!

Hmmm. I guess he could've been on amphetamines too. But I like to think it was pure, unadulterated mania. I hope he finds his way back from Strawberry Fields safely.

Business Casual with Problems

Thursday March 8th 2007

On Tuesday I saw an upstanding looking member of society puking his guts out at the Carroll Gardens Subway stop. A middle-aged, balding, white male dressed fairly nicely with a visible gold wedding band and briefcase. The kind of guy who lives in the suburbs. You know, a business casual kinda guy, to quote my friend Ambrose Amberson.

And boy was he sick! He puked so much! It was crazy! I've never seen someone puke that much, and he couldn't even make it to a trashcan! From how close he was standing to the edge of the platform, he must've starting getting sick the moment he stepped off the train. It's not very often you see the backbone of the upper middle class puking their guts out on a weekday at 3pm. But lest you think I am totally insensitive, dear reader, I waited until a police officer approached and offered assistance.

Later I described the scenario to a couple of friends. One of them said, "So, did he get food poisoning, or was he just drunk in the middle of the day?" Which oddly enough were the ailments I thought of too - I guess those are the common ailments of the segment of society he represents.

Monday, February 26, 2007

The Oscars as cultural-political barometer

Monday February 26th 2007

This is the year of the lesbian, the full-figured woman, the sensitive man, and the older-people-are-hot phenomenon.
Is this the dawning of a new age of Aquarius?